The Cleo member experience is not only highly personalized, it’s personal, built on very human relationships. As part of an inclusive and culturally-concordant care model, members are often connected with Guides and specialists with shared life experiences. As a mother to a gender non-conforming child, Cleo Guide Carolynn Deshler lets us in on how she’s able to support member families whose child is likewise navigating gender identity.

“This time in a family’s life is so transformative and it can be so hard to navigate. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear ‘I know this is really hard. I’ve also had this experience. I may not have answers, but you’re not alone.’

“The goal of connecting with the families we’re supporting is always to build a relationship. We’re here to support them on a really human level. When our members are in a safe space to voice whatever is coming up for them, we can better support them professionally and emotionally.”

Navigating gender identity

As knowledge and understanding of gender identity expands, so too does our capacity to better support and affirm children as their own identities develop. As a useful reminder, gender identity—that is, the internal sense of being male, female, neither, or both—is not to be confused with a person’s sex. And having a particular sex assigned at birth does not extend to any specific gender identity or sexual orientation.

For a lot of adults, it can be challenging to adjust one’s understanding of gender. And as a parent, Carolynn points out, “keep in mind that it’s challenging for a child to understand these concepts because of the stereotypes put on them and encountered every day.

“You walk into a store and the clothes and toys are all very divided into boy and girl. A child then has to choose from a young age what their gender identity is, and that can cause them to really start questioning things when their interests don’t align with the gendered options available. Just walking through a store can become a very isolating experience for a child who doesn’t feel like they belong in either category. What does it look like for them if they’re somewhere in the middle? I think there was actually more wiggle room for kids of my generation, but there is more space to talk about gender now.”

Carolynn is the mother of two children, the oldest of whom—currently 10 years old—identifies as gender non-conforming. She was born female, currently identifies as female, but does not appear as female to the outside world. “This is a journey we have been on with her from a very young age. She started expressing gender diversity around age 4 or so, and it was often upsetting and confusing for her,” Carolynn explains.

Creating space for your child to be their self

“We have always tried to give her space to figure out who she is without the burden of gender stereotypes. Her feelings have really ebbed and flowed over the years. Sometimes she hasn’t wanted to talk about it or she’s felt embarrassed about it. Currently, she feels really comfortable identifying as gender non-conforming. Will that change over the years? We don’t know. I don’t think she knows. As parents, we have tried really hard not to impose anything on her about who she should be.”

Much of the work in giving her daughter space to be herself lies in pushing back against our entrenched stereotypes. “Closing that gap between traditional boy things and traditional girl things is really important. Think about what it must be like for a child to feel as though they need to constantly choose a gender over and over and over again because of their interests. When we would go into a store, it wasn’t ‘let’s go to the boys’ section.’ It was ‘let’s look over here for pants and let’s look over here too, and you can choose what you like from wherever you like.’”

Finding resources and support

When it comes to topics like this, Carolynn speaks with members about building their knowledge and learning as much as possible about what their child is experiencing in order to be their best advocate. For some parents, this might look like reading all the books they can get their hands on—Carolynn’s go-to continues to be The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity. She also recommends organizations like The Trevor Project, along with simply discovering and listening to individuals’ experiences, whether on social media or elsewhere, as great resources and tools for learning.

“I’m learning and exploring right beside my kid, and I’m stepping back from the issue when that feels right too. If she’s happy and this isn’t something impacting our daily lives, I don’t necessarily feel like I need to be immersing myself in it daily. It’s okay to just enjoy the moment when you’re in a place where that feels right.”

As her daughter gets older, Carolynn sees issues surrounding gender increasing, and with it, the need to continue equipping herself as an advocate. “She’s playing football on a ‘boys’ team and yes, girls can play, but I don’t even know if they know she’s a girl. If it comes up, I have to have the language and the understanding to be able to advocate for her.”

For Cleo members navigating a child’s gender identity, the support they find with Cleo can be incredibly affirming and valuable. As Carolynn explains, “Connecting our members with professional expertise and resources is important, yes, but giving them the space to build trust with us and to feel confident being able to talk with us about whatever it is that’s coming up for them, along with the opportunity to hear from someone who navigated a similar experience, makes for a level of support that is really special and valuable.”

Learn more about Cleo’s holistic and affirming approach to supporting working families.